Sunday, July 1, 2007

Forbidden Planet

Technodoll asks:

If a man loves you, truly and honestly, why would he still feel the need to lie and hide things from you, little stupid things... As if having a secret life is a necessity to his survival? Does it have anything to do with them being from Mars?...

PS: is this related to men being incapable of changing the toilet paper roll?

Dear Technodoll,

I am so not into that Mars/Venus thing. Sometimes I think women are from Earth and men are from Uranus, but sometimes it's the other way around.

The key to your question, though, is the word "lie". If you had just asked why he might hide things from you, or not tell you everything, I'd say that some people just maintain control over their lives by not sharing all the details...even of insignificant things...with anyone.

This can be really frustrating for those of us who are open books. But it's just a matter of accepting that you're not in a relationship with YOU.

However...lying is never ok. Oh, of course someone might "lie" and say that you look absolutely radiant after 36 hours of labor, but that's not what we're talking about here. Trust is such a critical element of a healthy relationship that without it, what's left? You constantly trying to guess whether he's telling you the truth or not? That takes the control issue (see above) to a whole 'nother level. And moves your relationship firmly into the unhealthy zone.

It's time for you to move out of victim mode ("Why oh why does he do this?") into a place where you can sit him down and tell him that he's got to trust you enough to be honest with you, and you have to be able to believe what he says when he tells you something. And critical omissions are lying as well. ("Oh, did I forget to mention that I made out with my ex-girlfriend last night? Oops!")

But it's also important to let him know that he can have his privacy when it comes to things that you really don't need to know (the precise route he took driving home from work, unless it involved stopping off at the ex-girlfriend's place).

Maybe it's just me... but honesty is one of those non-negotiables. Ask yourself why you've been willing to accept less.

OK, we have to stop now.


Linda said...

I TOTALLY agree with you. Lying will break a relationship faster than a karate chop to wood.

I was there; my ex husband lied about things that were dealbreakers (like drugs and alcohol) - that's why he's my EX.

Michele sent me!

Jennie said...

Great advice, I totally agree too! Michele sent me to your new blog. Jennie

Michele said...

Hello Panthergirl,

Let me begin by saying that I love your new blog. Simply love it. However, where is the virtual tip jar for all the Lucy-type-nickels that you will be receiving? And do you accept Canadian currency - because I should go gather a handful now.

Your lying is never acceptable advice is spot on. Never date a liar. I once dated a man that lied about how many siblings he had and where he was born? If he lied about that what else would he lie about? Please do NOT tell me he lied about everything - I like to imagine the "Michele you are beautiful" declarations were truthful. Please, humour me, okay?

Also, I agree that "some people just maintain control over their lives by not sharing all the details...even of insignificant things...with anyone." Those people are so very annoying...oh wait, I am one of those people, at least virtually. So, please let us pretend that those people are interesting. Well, are we pretending?

Thanks for listening. Please bill me.

aka_Monty said...

Yay, I heart this blog, Panthergirl!
Michele sent me to find it. :)

And I'm lovin' the advice...I must go

aka_Monty said...

OH, and I have a question as well:

I love men, but I've been single for a long time and at this point the thought of letting a man hold my remote control makes me break out in a cold sweat. Why do some women think that every woman needs a man to be complete, and to be happy?
I'm surprised whenever I run into this attitude, especially in this day and age.

MissMeliss said...

Hello, Michele sent me, and I'm glad she did, because I like your main blog, but this is just fabulous!

As to lying - you're right, it's never okay. Neither is hitting.

Stephanie Davies said...

I too love your new blog!! I was a fan of the old one also before I went on my blogging vacation lol

I think this is a fantastic advice blog, and it's going on my blogroll :) I think your advice is extremely sound, especially to the person below who asked about parents who belittle them. I live by that advice myself and can vouch for the truth of what you say in not giving them power over you anymore. You should NEVER give your power away to anyone else, not even your parents.

I have a question for you for your blog:

I have an extremely hard time getting motivated, and to have any sense of self-discipline. It seems like I never get the things done that I want/need to get done (such as cleaning house, doing writing work - my job - , watering plants, cutting the lawn, etc.), and I procrastinate until things become total wrecks. How can I instill more of a sense of self-discipline in myself? I really WANT to be more motivated, and accomplish more, but it seems like even wanting isn't enough :(

Stephanie Davies said...

Oh shoot, I forgot, Michele sent me!

mar said...

Very clever advice, lying is never ok!!
I didn't find your blog all by myself. Nope, Michele showed me the way to her site of the day. Congrats!

Bernie said...

Being a half of a relationship that fell apart, but now part of a relationship that is truely blessed...
You have given some good advice here.
Michele sent me...

gautami tripathy said...

Lying never helped anyone. Some people don't lie but deliberately leave out stuff. That too is a killer of relationships.

Great post. Glad Michele sent me here.

Technodoll said...

Thank you, Panthergirl... very astute and insightful, gave me food for thought. Just back from vacation and many things came to light... you hit it bang-on when you said lying by omission also counts. How to make a person *want* to share those omissions, though, is a whole other can of worms. Or whoop-ass, depends how you see it. One thing for sure... you can only trust yourself in this world, sad as it is. Even if you lie to yourself, your truths come out in your dreams. So yeah. Maybe life alone won't be such a bad thing, after all. Sigh. Looove this new blog of yours, hope to see many more enlightning posts! Cheers!